Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I was a shy, fearful child. Very unlike my sister who would jump right into the deep end of a pool at 2 years old with no water wings. I was afraid of snakes, large dogs, tornados...many of the things I am still afraid of today. Add to that the adult fears of my husband's sudden death (every time he's late I assume he's dead somewhere), never being able to have children and filing bancrupcy and losing our house. I'm afraid that one day my sweet tooth combined with the fact that I loathe exercise will result in me weighing 300lbs.
I know that most of these things I can control. It doesn't make me fear them any less.
I think my biggest fear in life has been of making mistakes. Maybe it comes from being the eldest child. Maybe it's from being raised by a single mom who wanted the world for us. Maybe it's because I'm a huge people pleaser and cannot help myself. My mother says that I've done everything "right". Graduated high school, went to college, got a job, paid off student loans, bought a condo, got married, bought a house. Sounds pretty normal, right? Sometimes I wish I had made a few mistakes in between there somewhere. It is through our mistakes that we learn greater lessons and I wish I had taken more chances. I haven't made mistakes, but I also haven't done a lot of things that I really wanted. I would have found a job that I had a passion for and not one that I feel lukewarm about. I would have moved for a time to a big city...I LOVE going into Chicago now.
I am happy with the path that led me to my life now. I like my life now. I just have to remember to be brave in the future.

1 comment:

JackeeG4glamorous said...

OMG! You are perhaps the bravest fearful person I know. You have done things "right", and by today's standard, that is exceptional! You did more things all by yourself than most teenagers do, and as a young adult, you bravely accomplished alot of things that I think you take for granted. You registered for college on your own, while other young adults brought their moms with them. You took road trips - played solo piano on stage, despite being so painfully shy! You tried to set small goals for yourself and then set out to accomplish them. Maybe you didn't dream BIG enough for your 30 year old mind, but for your 16,17,18 year old mind, you did fine. Big even. I, your brother and sister, and your step dan, are all so immensely proud of you and admire your courage so!
Go for it Sarah, your track record shows that you will persevere with your dreams. (ok, maybe not with John Cusak) I love your blog - it's so creative and awesome, you do that even great!