Monday, July 30, 2012

I'm a Believer

I have been on an antidepressant now for a little over two months.  I'd like to say that it was because I was suffering from Post Partum Depression, but to be honest it was more than that.  Now that I'm actually feeling better I can admit that this was probably creeping up on me for several years and it wasn't until I was post partum that it became so bad I couldn't function.  The only way I can explain it is that it was like there was a dimmer on my life and now everything is back in bright colors.  I feel SO much better! More in control of my emotions and able to enjoy my life.  I was so full of anxiety before I couldn't even make simple decisions like what to have for dinner.
The thing is?  I didn't even realize I was like this. Until I wasn't any more.
Since I last posted I've returned to work and it hasn't been as awful as I was afraid it would be. Granted it's only been 3 weeks, but I don't dread going in like I used to.
I am enjoying my husband and children more and trying to be more mindful of my time with them.
Because who wouldn't love spending time with the cutest, sweetest guys ever?
 Ben thinking he's "hot stuff"
 Brothers in matching jammies
My big guys

Even having my nose broken yesterday doesn't seem so  bad. (I was accidentally headbutted by Jack)
I've taken an interest in my life again.
And that feels good.

Monday, July 2, 2012


Since I've been home with the boys, I've been trying to take them to the park and to play-dates.  The social interaction with kids his age is good for Jackson and I REALLY need some adult conversation some days.  It's been nice to have the support of other mom's when I'm feeling overwhelmed and when I was having difficulty with the PPD.

Sometimes the mom's make me feel inadequate though.  Let's take a few weeks ago at the park for example.    
I was meeting a girlfriend of mine and her two children at one of the many parks in my town.  When I arrived, I unloaded all of my children and their paraphernalia into my double stroller and wheeled over to my friend who was chatting with another mom.  This mom I had met on two other occasions and she intimidates me a little.  That day she was dressed very cutely in a navy blue and white striped top, cute jeans, a brown messenger bag across her body and an adorable fedora jauntily placed on her head.  She has two little girls.  One is roughly 8 months older than Jack and the other is a month older then Ben.  Both were dressed cute and the older girl was playing nicely on the swings.  At one point she handed me her baby to hold while she retrieved healthy snacks for her oldest.   I was shocked.....this baby smelled like she was wearing perfume she smelled so good.

Then there's me.

 I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt to hide the remaining baby gut that I still have.  I don't remember if I had brushed my teeth that day and wasn't wearing makeup.  Jack was dirty and throwing woodchips, and Ben smelled like baby sweat and old formula.  My snack was a pack of Welch's fruit snacks (he doesn't usually have a big snack or he won't eat lunch).  We barely made it out of the house that day intact.

I don't know if I hate this chick or totally have a crush on her.

I could let this make me feel bad about myself or I could realize that this is what this woman does.  She's a stay at home mom.  This is her every day life.  Mine is on hiatus.  I normally balance work with kids and feel out of sorts now.

But I have been making a bit more of an effort with how I dress.  I put makeup on more days and wear "real" clothes.
My kids may be a work in progress, but they now at least smell like hers thanks to this:
Hey it's the small things...