I'm a Believer

I have been on an antidepressant now for a little over two months.  I'd like to say that it was because I was suffering from Post Partum Depression, but to be honest it was more than that.  Now that I'm actually feeling better I can admit that this was probably creeping up on me for several years and it wasn't until I was post partum that it became so bad I couldn't function.  The only way I can explain it is that it was like there was a dimmer on my life and now everything is back in bright colors.  I feel SO much better! More in control of my emotions and able to enjoy my life.  I was so full of anxiety before I couldn't even make simple decisions like what to have for dinner.
The thing is?  I didn't even realize I was like this. Until I wasn't any more.
Since I last posted I've returned to work and it hasn't been as awful as I was afraid it would be. Granted it's only been 3 weeks, but I don't dread going in like I used to.
I am enjoying my husband and children more and trying to be more mindful of my time with them.
Because who wouldn't love spending time with the cutest, sweetest guys ever?

 Ben thinking he's "hot stuff"

 Brothers in matching jammies

My big guys

Even having my nose broken yesterday doesn't seem so  bad. (I was accidentally headbutted by Jack)

I've taken an interest in my life again.

And that feels good.

Overwhelmed

How would I describe my lifestyle right now in one word? Overwhelmed. Between work stresses, and keeping up with my toddler and my house I feel this way every day.
I'm embarrased to say that I am not really even enjoying what will probably be my last pregnancy. I can't seem to focus on the fact that I am going to have another little punk and get excited about it. All I can do is think about how much work the first few months are and how am I going to manage everything?
Then there's the baby's room. Every time I walk past it my blood pressure rises and I think of everything I have left to do. With my OB threatening bed rest I realize I NEED to make some changes.
Thankfully last Sunday my mom came and got Jackson so Spiderman and I could sort through the piles of crap. Now the room looks more like this.
We can start painting and organizing. It will be a huge relief to have this done. Also, she got me the name of a woman who cleans houses. I'm going to call her this week. I think I'll have her come every other week to get things under control and then just once a month after that. $60 a month for a little piece of mind? Totally worth it.

I downloaded a new book to my Kindle called Bringing up Bebe. I've always been a bit of a Francophile and this book has some interesting child rearing tips. Like the French, I have always wanted to be calm, serene, and chic about life. (I am SO far from this in real life) They seem to enjoy themselves WAY more than Americans do. This book also points out that this calmness also extends to their parenting. Their children (along with the parents) seem calmer, better behaved, and happier for it. I could use some of this.

As far as the work stress goes? I don't know. I am still so desperate to prove myself that I take things way too personally. It's exhausting. And my department needs a lot of work and hand holding. Any suggestions on this front would be helpful.

A Little Better

Today I had kind of a scare at my doctor's appointment. They couldn't find the heartbeat for about 15 minutes. The nurse was getting nervous and both Spiderman and I were freaking out. They finally found it but that moment of terror was just the shake up I needed to get me out of my funk. Also? My doc gave me some meds to help with the constant headache I've had for almost 2 weeks.

So this post is going to be about all the things I'm grateful for to help remind me not to be so crabby.

• I'm pregnant. Two years ago I never thought that would EVER happen, much less twice.
• I have a wonderful hubby who cooks me dinner most nights and puts up with me when I'm crazy and crabby. Married for 5 years and together for almost 9, I'm very lucky.
• Jack brings me so much joy. Just thinking about seeing his little face makes me grin from ear to ear.
  

Gratuitous Jack Pic

• I have awesome friends that I need to see more than I do. They help to remind me who I am.
• It's fall and I LOVE fall!

I've become a Lemming

Spiderman and I like food. We both enjoy cooking and going out to nice restaurants. Because of this our food budget is getting a little outrageous. We also are not very organized shoppers. When we go to the store we inevitably forget something and have to go back. Every trip to the store we end up getting what's on the list and then some. I'd say I go to the grocery store at least once a week (sometimes twice) and spend about $1-200 a trip.

This adds up and I don't know about you, but I can't afford it anymore. Add to this the increasing price of gas, diapers, and generally everything else and we'll be broke in no time!

This week Spiderman and I decided to join Costco. Up until today I had never even been to a warehouse store. I've never seen anything like it. You can buy a TV, beef brisket, 900 diapers, a 5 gallon jug of olive oil, tires and a casket all in one place! I'm gonna need that casket because on our first visit Spiderman and I spent almost $500. I almost had a heart attack! We waited to go until we were out of almost everything. Other than a few things that I can get at Aldi we shouldn't have to go to the grocery store for quite a while! We're going to go back in two weeks to get a few more things for Jack's first Birthday party but other than that we're set.

I just have to keep telling myself to breathe because I can't believe we spent that much money all at one time!

How do you feel about warehouse clubs? Am I the only one who goes this crazy the first trip?

Zumba Crazy

I took a Zumba class for the first time the other day. About 20 minutes into it I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Every time she would let us break to drink some water I thought about making a break for it. I think my instructor was on crack she had so much energy and I could wring my clothes out when I was finished.

So why am I going back tonight?

Because my fat ass is a glutton for punishment....

I'm officially an asshole

We had a few nice days last week so Spiderman and I took Jack to the park on St. Patrick's day to use the baby swings. While we're there swinging another couple comes up with their little girl. She's really teeny and cute and they start pushing her on the swing next to us.

All of us new parents are taking pictures and making faces and the kids are looking at times like tiny hostages of the paparazzi. The father of the little girl was very chatty and asked us how old Jack was. I told him 7 months and thought "Oh, no" by the expression on the couples faces. I hate when parents get into the developmental Olympics. "How old is your little one?" I asked. "Nine months", they replied. Their little girl was half Jack's size.

This happens a lot.
Jack is babyzilla.

I told them that Jack is in the 95th percentile in both height and weight and that he's just huge. I was hoping that this would be a comfort to them, but Spiderman said it just sounded like I was bragging. I didn't want to seem like I was bragging so I told them how my sister was really petite when she was little. That the dr's used to measure her every time my mom took her to the dr and they thought she was going to be a midget, but she eventually caught up. I thought I was being reassuring and the more I kept talking the more I was digging myself into a hole. Diarrhea of the mouth if you will.

Eventually the couple took their little girl and went on the slides. I wanted to call after them "Really, I'm a nice person!" "I have friends!"
But it was too late. I can't really say that I blame them.

I'm officially an asshole.

Hi My Name Is Sarah...

And I'm addicted to Afrin.

Well, used to be addicted. It could happen to anyone, I swear!

It starts out innocently enough. You have a cold and your nose is plugged up. If you're like me and primarily a nose breather (I can NOT breathe through my mouth) it can make for a miserable time. Especially at night when you're trying to sleep. So you buy some Afrin nose spray. One squirt up each nostril feeling the mentholated burn and within minutes you have clear nasal passages. You can Breathe again!! It's heaven. It worked so well that you do it again the next night. Aghhhhhh. Then 12 hours later it wears off and so you do another hit. Pretty soon it doesn't even last the whole 12 hours before your congestion returns and so you do another hit. Before long you're sniffing the stuff two or three squirts every four hours and your nose is bleeding like a coke fiend.

I mean, that's what probably happens.....cough.....not to me or anything.

So this past weekend, as I have been suffering a head cold, I have stayed strong and only used the Afrin one squirt at bedtime.

And that is enough.

Oprah May Be the Devil

I have never particularly been a fan of Oprah. This goes back to when I was in college and was an audience member for her show. When the camera's are off she's not very nice.

Also, around that time I worked at Borders Books and would dread every book club announcement. Did you know that book stores are not told of the selection in advance? This is because until she announces her selection she can change her mind. Many of the books she would pick we would only have 1 of on the shelf. After the "big announcement" there would be hundreds of lemmings calling or coming into the store claiming that "Oprah said" they had to read this book and how dare we be out of it.

So you can imagine how long it's been since I'd actually seen an episode. A few mornings ago I was flipping channels and stopped at Oprah's Favorite Things episode. She gives away some pretty cool things. What amazed me however was the audience. There was a man rolling on the floor and sobbing over a Nikon camera. A woman was literally banging her head on the wall and sobbing over a diamond watch.

This, to me, does not seem like a proportional response.

I mean the frenzy this audience worked themselves into over stuff was appalling. Granted it was really cool stuff, but come on! I have never seen anything like it in my life!

I'm sure some of you have seen these episodes. Are they all like this, and what do YOU think of it?

Just Good Enough

Maybe it's my flair for drama, but I have always been prone to periods of melancholy. PPD was one of the things I feared most about having a baby. I wouldn't say that I have it, but sometimes I do feel very overwhelmed and a bit blue. I'm such a perfectionist and expect so much from myself that I seem to never live up to what I expect I can do. Motherhood is tough. I worry about not being a good mother. That when Jackson is fussy or cries too much it's a reflection on my parenting.

I worry about spending enough time with him. I worry that my husband will die and I'll have to do it myself. I worry that I will die and my husband will remarry and that woman will be mother to my child. I already hate this imaginary woman. I'm that crazy.

I'm sure it's a combination of hormones (I still haven't started my period again, umm...when will that happen?), being overtired, stress about $$ and the holidays, and upcoming changes at work(more on that later). I'm sure as time passes I will either get better at managing everything or resign myself to being "just good enough".

I Think Shopping is in Order

Dear Prince William and Kate Middleton,

Congratulations on your engagement. I will be anxiously awaiting my invitation. I already have the perfect hat.

Warmly,
Sarah

Big Changes Ahead

Today I took Jackson to the sitter for a trial run. It's so strange to be here in the house by myself. I almost don't remember what it's like to have a baby-free house. I miss him.

This trial run is only in part for him and the sitter. It's also for me. I need to get used to leaving him since I go back to work in two weeks. That's right, TWO WEEKS! I can't believe how fast that time went. I have to say I'm completely terrified and freaked out. Everything in my life has changed so much. I've changed so much. I'm not a huge fan of change and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle all of it. While I was gone the chamber got a new computer charting system. I'm going to have to learn it when I get back while I'm still doing my job as usual. So I can't even go back to my same routine at work. It'll be all f'd up. Plus I'll be stressed about Jack and missing him. I hope my coworkers help me out because I'm going to be a mess.

Then there's a tiny part of me that wants to go back to work. I miss my job. I miss the people. I'll be a little relieved to not be the only person responsible for Jack's care. Is that wrong? I'm sure that in a few weeks I'll have developed a new routine with work and Jack and won't even remember how scared I was. I just have to take everything as it comes and try to juggle what I can right?

So today I'll catch up on my blog, housecleaning, and maybe go the the gym. I'll make cupcakes and run errands.

And try not to drive by the sitter's house......

Sometimes He Drives me Crazy!

Things that irritate me about my husband:

• he would rather dress from the laundry basket than put his clothes away
• he believes that there is an infinite amount of time to complete any task
• he snores like nobody's business
• he spends most of his time watching sports, ESPN, or updating his fantasy team
• the rest of the time is spent watching cartoons (The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park)
• his ability to not hear a screaming, crying baby that I can hear with ear plugs in, from the other room

Things that I Love about my husband:

• he is the carrier of all things heavy
• he has completely taken over litter box duty
• he never makes me mow the lawn
• he loves to make me dinner
• he likes to eat the edges of brownies and cakes so I can eat the middle pieces
• his butt

And most importantly....he puts up with all my crazy annoying shit.

Catching Up.

Let's see....what's new? I still have a baby. I still dig him. It's surreal. I keep expecting his parents to show up and get him.
I haven't really left the house too much. Last week, there was a day that wasn't so stiflingly hot and Spiderman took Jack and I to the bookstore. Afterwards I just couldn't bear going back in the house. I went to sit in some Adirondack chairs that I have set up in my front yard. We've really been slacking on the weed front this summer as I haven't really been able to do much and I had to pull up several weeds to get to the chairs. Come to find out, not all of them were weeds.

Some of them were poison ivy.

Yep. I now have poison ivy.

On top of still recovering from a c-section I am also covered in poison ivy. My arms, legs and abdomen. It's just awesome. And itchy.

So to recap? I am tired, achy (my incision), and itchy. So yeah, tons of fun. But this past weekend Jack had a photo shoot with a Fabulous friend and photographer and I'll post some of the pics from that soon. I'm having trouble deciding between a few of them to frame and I want some opinions. But for now, I'll go since I can hear a little munchkin waking from his nap.

Feels Good To Be Clean

Like most people (I hope) I shower every day. I prefer to shower in the evening. There's something soothing about washing the day's filth and stink away before getting into bed. Plus it means I get to sleep in longer in the morning which I love, love, love. Not that I don't also sometimes shower again in the AM. I just prefer the evening.

Most days I shower out of necessity and habit. Another task to be done. Like brushing my teeth or doing laundry. I don't think about it. Then there are some days where I have what I like to call the Best. Shower. Ever.

Do you ever have those?

You know what I mean. When a shower is more than just a chore. It somehow refreshes and replenishes you. Washes away all the crap from the day and makes you feel great.
Some examples?

• When you shower after a long day of traveling, whether it be by plane or a long car ride.
• That shower after a day spent at the beach or pool and you are greasy and sticky with sweat and sunscreen.
• The first shower after you've been sick for several days. When your hair is gross and sticking to your face from a fever long broken and you've been in the same pj's for a few days.
• For me, when I've been working a 12 hour shift and I'm covered in god-knows-what and my own sweat. When my hair and body smell like old people and death.

So tell me, what are some of your contenders for Best Shower Ever?

Happy Memorial Day

Is it completely wrong of me that I'm a little bit happy that it's pouring rain here in the region today? I mean it's like God is saying "I'm sorry you have to work today...here you go: rain."

Or does that make me evil?

Welcome to Crazy Town!

Some of you who frequently read this blog or who know me IRL know that I'm a worrier by nature and a little (lot) neurotic. Being pregnant has done nothing to help this state. Here are some things that I have been worrying about since I became pregnant in no particular order:

• What if I/Spiderman/ the baby dies?
• What if the baby has downe's syndrome/ cerebral palsy/ ANYTHING wrong with it?
• What if I don't like him?
• What if he doesn't like me?
• What if I have a bleed or throw a clot during delivery?
• What if he's born prematurely?
• What if he grows up to be an asshole?
• Or a Radical Republican?
• Where am I going to put him while I'm working? ( I still haven't figured that out yet)
• What if he's allergic to the cats?
• I hope I don't have postpartum depression ( I am prone to depression in general)
• What if I don't like being a mom?
• What if he has colic?
• What if I get pregnant again right away?
• What if I never have a waist again?

I'm sure there are more that I just can't think of right now. Is this normal? I try sharing some of these fears with Spiderman and he just freaks out even more and tells me he's already worried enough and not to make it worse. It's not helping that our air conditioner is currently broken, it's 90 degree's out, and Spiderman losing his job is a very real possibility.

I just can't help worrying.

The One Where I Peed My Pants

Anyone who works in health care knows of the breakneck pace we sometimes (most times) work at. We don't get a lot of breaks. Sometimes the minute or so it takes me to pee could be all the difference to someone. Because of this I have become a champion at "holding it". It has been really frustrating for me being pregnant and having to pee all the time. Especially not really being allowed to pee at work.


Earlier this week, I was on the floor doing my afternoon rounds and had to pee. I told myself I would just finish checking this one patient's life support machine and then I'd make a pit stop.


And then I sneezed. Very hard. And peed my pants.

I went into the bathroom down the hall and realized it was only my underpants that were really the issue and my actual scrub pants were still in pretty good shape. I decided to go downstairs to my department and use the bathroom there to remove my wet underpants. When I got there I was relieved that no one was around so I could safely hide the evidence in my locker. I went into the bathroom, quickly removed my panties, and headed back into the breakroom.

And ran smack into my male boss. With my large, wet, pink maternity underpants in my hand.

At this point I was so embarrassed I could not stop maniacally giggling. Thank God he has a wife and 3 young kids so he is pretty understanding of the whole pregnant-pee-your-pants thing.

I may have to get some depends.

Go Ahead, Rub My Belly!

One thing I have noticed lately is that once you start showing everyone wants to touch the belly.

Everyone.

Friends, family, coworkers....even random people in stores. What is it about being pregnant that makes you relinquish your right to personal space?

I don't know why this bothers me so much, but I have a few theories. With the exception of my mother, my immediate family was never physically affectionate. We are not huggy people. I can not tell you the last time I hugged my brother for example. I'm getting better about that since being exposed to my in-laws and my stepfather's family who are VERY huggy. They hug hello, goodbye, and nice to meet you.

Another reason could be I am very shy by nature. I know, hard to believe but I am. When I was growing up I was painfully shy and I still am socially awkward in situations where I don't know anyone or when I'm meeting someone new. I have always been shy about my emotions and would rather use humor than talk how I really feel. The thing that freaked me out the most about getting married was standing up in front of people and have them all looking at me. When approached by the space-invaders who rub my belly, it makes me uncomfortable to have all that attention.

I just don't like it. Some people are nice and ask permission. But what do you say to that? Permission means that there is a possibility of the person saying "no". If I say no, they look at me like "hey at least I asked". While I appreciate being asked, I hate being made to feel that the answer has to be yes. Why can't they wait till it comes out to play with it?

19 weeks

Where do you stand on the belly rubbing issue? Am I being totally weird about this? Is there a better way to handle it?

Luna-tic

Has anyone else seen the latest Luna flooring commercial? You know the one where this totally obnoxious guy tries to parody Tom Petty's "Free Falling".
For some reason the "free flooring" guy makes me want to find him and run him over with my car. His singing grates on my nerves.
Maybe it's the fact that yesterday it played 20 times, or maybe it's just me.

Oh, Hi.

So yeah, turns out I still have a blog.
It's not that I forgot about you all, it's just that I have Band Hero now.
And it's so cold out and my couch is so comfy.
And I have to actually DO stuff to blog about it. All I've really been doing is working, cleaning my house, and hibernating.
This week we got over a foot of snow and I have a feeling this winter is NEVER going to end.

That's all I've got.

Sorry.