Today I took Jackson to the sitter for a trial run. It's so strange to be here in the house by myself. I almost don't remember what it's like to have a baby-free house. I miss him.
This trial run is only in part for him and the sitter. It's also for me. I need to get used to leaving him since I go back to work in two weeks. That's right, TWO WEEKS! I can't believe how fast that time went. I have to say I'm completely terrified and freaked out. Everything in my life has changed so much. I've changed so much. I'm not a huge fan of change and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle all of it. While I was gone the chamber got a new computer charting system. I'm going to have to learn it when I get back while I'm still doing my job as usual. So I can't even go back to my same routine at work. It'll be all f'd up. Plus I'll be stressed about Jack and missing him. I hope my coworkers help me out because I'm going to be a mess.
Then there's a tiny part of me that wants to go back to work. I miss my job. I miss the people. I'll be a little relieved to not be the only person responsible for Jack's care. Is that wrong? I'm sure that in a few weeks I'll have developed a new routine with work and Jack and won't even remember how scared I was. I just have to take everything as it comes and try to juggle what I can right?
So today I'll catch up on my blog, housecleaning, and maybe go the the gym. I'll make cupcakes and run errands.
And try not to drive by the sitter's house......
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3 comments:
This is all exactly how I felt, down to the fact that my job, too, changed a big computer system while I was out (two of them, actually). I was terrified and sad to go back to work - but also excited and relieved. I felt like such a mess, internally. I've now been back at work nine weeks and it's still hard, but MUCH easier than it was the first few weeks. Funny thing is it feels like WAY more than nine weeks - feels like it's been triple that.
My best advice is you just have to plow through. There are good parts and there are bad parts and no solution is perfect, but you just do the best you can and love your little boy with all your heart and he (and you) will be okay.
Don't look at the ability to learn a new system as "f'ing up my routine". That's a bad attitude before you've even given it a shot. New stuff is kinda fun, breaks up the monotony and keeps the mind active. Think of this as the best time to make the transition to the new stuff. Like jumping into a pool instead of wading in.
I have no kids so I have no practical advice other than from observing my crazy ass mother. One thing she did right was take care of herself first so she could be whole to take care of me...OK, that's total lie but I should get points for trying.
But you shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time to yourself. Jack is an addition to your life, not a substitution of it.
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