I live in a constant state of fear.
Those of you who have or have ever had babies know what I'm talking about. Every morning I start my day terrified to go in and check on Jack. Afraid that something happened to him while I was asleep. That's how I wake up every day.
Terrified.
And I'd like to say it gets better, but no. I go to work and I'm afraid of everything that could happen to him while he's out of my sight. Or I'm afraid he'll like the sitter more than me (cuz my new sitter is the bomb). Then I pick him up and I'm afraid that I could trip and drop him or fall down the stairs holding him. When I walk across the room while he is laying on the floor I have a moment of panic that "what if I tripped and fell on him and crushed him".
Then there's the fear that he won't sleep that night. And then he does and I scurry around to do all the things that I have to do because I'm afraid he'll wake up. When he doesn't I fall into a coma and start the whole thing over again.
My baby is a terrorist.
He uses piercing screams and cries as weapons to strike fear into my heart. I am always at def con 1. High Alert!!! But like many captives of tiny dictators I have developed Stockholm syndrome. I love my little captor.
And every day the fear gets a little less. More manageable. I should have it under control just in time to have another one.
And start again.
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5 comments:
I soooo relate to this. I had a random thought this week (after watching too many crime shows): "What if someone broke into our house and snatched Nate out of his crib in the middle of the night so I went in there in the morning and he was just gone, crib empty?"
I mean, really. Is this seriously our primate brain functioning on basic survival level? It's so annoying. I don't foresee it ever ending, though.
I hate to bring it up, but I still occasionally have these thoughts. My girls are 10 and almost-8 years old. I still wake up in the night or early morning and rush to check on them, full of dread. Not as often as I did when they were babies, but often enough to be disconcerting.
I guess it is just that survival/mothering instinct to protect our babies, no matter how old they are :)
Confession: I'm terrified of babies. I mean, I love them and I even raised one (although not from birth--so I know it's different). People are always wanting me to hold their babies and I get scared--what if he/she slips out of my hands? What if I don't support the neck? What if I trip ?
Also: What if he/she pees on me or throws up on me or has snot rolling down their faces? Because I get queasy easily.
So I kind of relate.
I don't have to tell you that you inherited this worry gene from me... It helps if you pray alot.
I agree with your mom...pray, put him in God's hands and stop your worrying. The next baby you will wonder why you were ever so worried...it will be second nature to you with the baby thing. But I can understand with being a new mommy and you love him so much.
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