Maybe it's my flair for drama, but I have always been prone to periods of melancholy. PPD was one of the things I feared most about having a baby. I wouldn't say that I have it, but sometimes I do feel very overwhelmed and a bit blue. I'm such a perfectionist and expect so much from myself that I seem to never live up to what I expect I can do. Motherhood is tough. I worry about not being a good mother. That when Jackson is fussy or cries too much it's a reflection on my parenting.
I worry about spending enough time with him. I worry that my husband will die and I'll have to do it myself. I worry that I will die and my husband will remarry and that woman will be mother to my child. I already hate this imaginary woman. I'm that crazy.
I'm sure it's a combination of hormones (I still haven't started my period again, umm...when will that happen?), being overtired, stress about $$ and the holidays, and upcoming changes at work(more on that later). I'm sure as time passes I will either get better at managing everything or resign myself to being "just good enough".
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5 comments:
You are an amazing mother Sarah. With a very full plate. You are overwhelmed, as all new mom's are. Take care of you....it will all fall into place.
nearly every post you have written since having Jackson has had me nodding in agreement. Being a mom is hard, especially in the beginning. It took me over a year (about 17 months) to physically feel like myself again. And the demands on your time and questions and doubts can feel all-consuming at times. Letting go of perfection and being kind and gentle to yourself will go a long way. You are doing great!!!
yeah Sarah, what Robin said.
Oh, and after sitting with Jack yesterday - he is NOT a fussy baby...he's actually very happy and keeps himself quite happy. Every time he caught my eye (while I folded laundry and did other tasks) he just grinned! His wonderful disposition is truly because of your good parenting. Be kind to you! and ENJOY, enjoy, and enjoy this time. It goes too fast.
Reading this post took me right back to the early days with my first baby. It is a very overwhelming time. I'd say to let go and just try to enjoy every moment--even the screaming fits. Try not to judge them or yourself. I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job! :)
I swear, I don't know ONE new mother who is all "This is piece of cake. I love all the free time and rest I'm getting. It's like my life is totally unchanged."
Not. One.
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